FTPs we are! Thrill replaces Panic

 3/5/2005

I woke up with a headache. I didn't sleep well, and I believe it's a combination of the time change and the terrible offer made by management of my job, and a crazy dream. I kept going over the offer and whether I should turn it down, or not, and whether turning it down will affect my severance.

I kept hearing noises while I tried to sleep in that gigantic Grand Canyon hotel room. It was so big, and dark in there, and I imagined that spirits were rattling the hangers near the door. I quickly put that out of my mind so that I didn't wind myself into terror. I knew I'd never get any sleep if I allowed myself to entertain that thought.

Then I had a crazy dream, that I was involved in training some people to take our jobs and while I was on site, my car was vandalized. Someone had torn holes into the trunk door. I was so mad I wanted to call the police immediately, but someone with me, urged me not to because we were in a hurry. So I decided I would file a report later. I was pissed off, but went along with this and throughout the dream, I was angry that I didn't call the police before moving my car. Someone familiar from years ago was in my dream... I hadn't thought about her in years. She was at my job along with other people I knew, and I was still angry about my car. And then... Mr. Grant, one of my 8th grade teachers appears and wants to know what we were all complaining about. I went on a tirade and told him that we are training people, someone vandalized my car and how wrong he is to expect me to be happy. I was about to cry in the dream, and suddenly saw my car and that it wasn't actual holes ripped through the trunk door, but holes in the paint.

And then I woke up. 

So yeah.... I woke up with a headache, looked over at the clock and finally it was 4:53 AM, a few minutes before my wake up call. I began to think that the headache could also be due to the high altitude and dryness of the air at the Grand Canyon. I am not acclimated to the Mountain Time Zone yet. I reflected on the fact that I got sick the night before, after eating a greasy hamburger and onion rings... half of it at the lodge restaurant, and then the other half, hours later, cold... in my room. I went back out, to the lodge after laying out  my clothes for the Mule trip into the canyon. I can't believe I wanted ice cream, but I headed out for it and some bottled water. It was early evening.... and I peaked into the bar area and thought about ordering a Mud Slide... but then decided against it... and went for the ice cream. That ice cream was the straw that broke the camel's back with my plumbing! I was so sick after piling that on top of the greasy hamburger and onion rings... threw up the projectile way too. No wonder I couldn't sleep now that I think about all this.

To be honest... I also might have a headache due to the anxiety I'm feeling about the Mule Trip into the canyon. I hate that one of the tour guides told me that the mules are trained to walk on the outside edge of the trail, so that people who are walking, can be against the canyon. People have fallen off, and the mules have better footing. OMG! 

                               Our tour ends at Plateau Point, 4000 feet down. Round trip was approximately 8 hours. 

Well... I'm going! I'm not going to chicken out now!!!!

                        At Plateau Point! We had lunch down here and rested the mules before heading back up to the rim.

I survived!!! It was the scariest, most exciting, most thrilling and challenging event I have ever participated in! Notable quotables from the wrangler....

"The mules think the world is one big bag of doritos"!

 He said this, because the mules would try to eat any treetop that peered up from the ledge, or down from cliffs above. Ugh! 

"Turn the mules toward the canyon by pulling the reigns hard to the right or left. Don't worry, they ain't going over. Once they're turned toward the canyon, Atilla the Hun and his entire army can't push him off".

This is how we let them rest. Peering over the cliffs.

I am saddle sore... my entire body aches after riding the mule for 8 hours. It was a muscular torment holding steady in the saddle while resisting the urge to lean away from the cliffs. My abs, legs, lower back, toenails hurt! It was definitely not an easy trip. Ice and snow was on the trail at the higher elevations. Rain caused deep mud after around 1000 feet down in some places on the trail. Then, the sun came out and we saw a magnificent rainbow beneath us!

The older German woman in our group said, "we must go through trouble or pain to see great things". 

She was absolutely right.

FTPs we are! Looking back... observations

(What is obvious to me is that I had no idea what hot flashes were in 2005 LOL! Still, I am amazed at folks who do not feel cold and knew a couple folks who never wore a coat in the winter. Anyway, although tainted, I had a great experience on this getaway.) 

3/3/2005

Something I will never understand, is the physical difference of folks who seemingly do not feel cold weather. I'm shocked and amazed that it's 23 degrees outside, and windy... and as I shivered standing in the kiosk of the economy lot of Newark Airport all bundled up, waiting for the shuttle, a white man steped into the kiosk with no hat, no coat, no gloves on. There I stood bundled up in faux fur hat pulled down over my ears, wool scarf wrapped around my face, insulated denim jacket and leather gloves. 

Meanwhile, there was that man, standing there with a pull over sweater and jeans on. He did have his hands in his pockets. But he appeared to only be chilled. I was completely puzzled by his ability to have no physical reaction, seemingly impervious to the windy, 23 degree weather. 

 Why do some people never feel cold?

And if that weren't shocking enough, in the airport, all scanned, searched and checked in... sitting at the gate and it's rather chilly since the doors leading to the jetways were open... I couldn't help but notice a woman sitting there with a light fleece jacket, cotton capri pants and flip-flops on her feet. I was trying to understand how someone woke up that morning and left their house in 23 degree weather with flip-flops on. There's something different about these folks.

Right after that, another woman walked up and sat down a few chairs away from me. She was closer to the windows and door that leads to the jetway. It was even colder over there. She had on a wool peacoat, cotton capri pants, no socks, loafers on her feet. How did she decide to leave her house like that? She pulled a pair of sweat pants out of her bag and wrapped them around the bare part of her legs. OK so she is able to feel cold. Wow!

Once I boarded the plane, I got comfortable because it was nice and toasty in there. This white man sitting in the aisle seat of my row complained that it was too hot. Boy oh boy!

3/4/2005

I'm on a ground shuttle from Flagstaff traveling to Williams, AZ after arriving in Phoenix. I am the only Black person on the shuttle, 3 White women and a rather large maybe Mexican or Native American in the back who looked rather scruffy with rotten teeth. 

As I took my seat on the shuttle, my phone rang and it was a co-worker. She let me know what the proposition was  that we were presented with, now that we've completed training our replacements. She said that we were being offered a job in Atlanta for 8 weeks and then we will be laid off 30 days after that. She told me that there was a possibility that they might keep one  person who accepts the assignment. We would have to fly to Atlanta every week and be on site by noon on Mondays, work 14 hour days, and then fly home on Thursday nights. 

I told her that it sounded like an abusive deal to me... 56 hours in 4 days for 8 weeks with a high probability of being laid off 30 days after that. Wow. And since we're salaried workers, there's no OT or anything like that. Ugh! I hung up feeling exasperated, and called my sister. 

Soon as I hung up, the snaggle-toothed guy in the back asked me if I were on my way to work. I looked around... and wondered if he thought that about the other women. I responded, 'no... I'm on vacation.' Then I asked him if there were jobs where we were headed LOL!

All the while I'm talking to my co-worker, and then my sister, I had no idea the shuttle driver was waiting for me to get off the phone. I felt kind of bad about that. He was very nice though. He wanted to tell me about some  places he recommended I should see. 

Grand Canyon Railway Hotel in Williams, AZ

FTPs we are! Tools of the trade

(Finding this journal that I wrote in makes me chuckle at how aggravated I was back then LOL! )

5/3/2005

As if I weren't aggravated enough, my laptop is being it's true crappy self and giving me a hard time in this hotel room. 

The funny thing is, I'm in the better hotel as they say. It's the full service hotel... yet they charge $9.95 per day to connect to the internet. The step down version of these hotels are cheaper, and don't charge for internet connection. 

My laptop decides that it doesn't like the connection and goes through all kinds of proxy errors and whatnot. Ugh! I'm so aggravated. This could mean that after all the demands I made about taking my class while traveling were futile, and I won't be able to take it anyway since it's online. 

This crappy laptop is so slow regularly, anyway. I keep cleaning up the disk which is a test of my already short patience. I peek over at the stupid machine from the bed and see that it's still churning away. That glance made me see the coffee maker sitting there behind it. The coffee maker would churn better than my laptop I'm thinking. Ah! I'll make some coffee.

Finally! It has analyzed my disk, only to show a few kbs in my recycle bin. OMG. Damn! This thing ran for 20 minutes, for a few kbs. That's it????!!!!

Oh well... now I'll set the defrag, and go to the fitness center. The workout will calm my nerves.

5/9/2005

Week 3  into this assignment, and all ain't well.

It was a rather bumpy flight this time. And then we had to sit on the tarmac, waiting for our jetway to become available.

What a way to make a living. I probably would have enjoyed this 20 years ago. But these corporations have taken all the fun out of everything. 

What a way to earn a living. And I have looming visions of it all slipping away. I calm myself after that reality creeps into my spirit, and tell myself it won't be so bad. After surviving worse, many years ago, this isn't so bad.

Still, I can't see this lasting the way things are right now. Maybe I'll get used to it. Maybe they will get tired of my independent attitude. They could ask me to leave the project at any time. There I go again. The trauma of watching so many co workers get laid off after we were forced to train our replacements has affected me deeply, this is very evident. 

What a way to work!

5/12/2005

Things do happen for a reason. And somehow, I am ending up in the situation as I somehow hoped it would be. Still employed.

                                            By Susan P. Joyce

Yet it is a chaotic nightmare. I still have ice skates on. Only now, panic has turned into cynical numbness.  Yes, I have a mortgage to pay and I love my condo. But I can be just as happy renting a small efficiency. I have to entertain the possibility and be grateful and thankful that I have experienced living so well. I am truly blessed! Truly!

 

FTPs We Are! Diary of corporate dehumanization

I have always kept a journal since childhood. I believe my journals have saved me sometimes. I've decided to share some of my writings that reflect some of my life spent in corporate America. I believe there are many who can identify with these stories.

 Careerizma 

April 25, 2005

Upon arrival, I do believe... I believe that I just cannot predict too far ahead, although I do sometimes have good intuition. I just hope and pray for the best and I have faith that everything will be alright. Current status? Ear ache, runny nose, skin raw around my nose, over tired, muscles ache... still, looking forward to tomorrow... I have to.

April 26, 2005

6:00 AM, I finally discover that I fell for one of the oldest, cruel hotel tricks... the ol' change the time on the room clock trick, Boy do I feel stupid. I was so tired and feeling so ill when I got in that I didn't realize that the clock was an hour forward. So here I am, showered, dressed and mad. I turned out the light, and laid down to try to catch the rest of the hour I lost in sleep but I couldn't. I have to get my game on today and I feel lousy.

Corporate cruelty! This is the ultimate in corporate arrogance and cruelty. As if it weren't bad enough that for 5 straight weeks in a row I am called by Thursday or Friday and told that I 'might' have to fly to Atlanta, only to be called on Saturday evening this time, and told that I have to fly to Atlanta, and be there by Monday morning. Ugh!

It is beyond my comprehension to realize this predicament I am in at 47 years of age. How in the world is it, that I am forced to train my replacement from India, and now be subjected to the disrespect and manipulation and abuse I am accepting now, in order to stay employed?

FEAR.

4/27/2005

In the midst of this corporate abuse, I ponder whether this is a job to die for.

My ear began to hurt Sunday morning, accompanied by a sore throat on the same side. I felt miserable from sneezing... post nasal drip, inflamed sinuses... the whole 9 yards.

Yet I flew down here to Atlanta anyway... because I need the job. And I also know there is no compassion anymore in a world of fierce competition. I know that being sick could mean the end of this assignment for me. And now I ponder, is this God's way of letting me know it is not the job I should continue to be in. I must consider this possibility. I must let management know I need to go to Urgent Care.

4/28/2005

What I find as totally unbelievable, is a message from my director, asking me how my 'ear emergency' affects things. I don't know why I am amazed at this point, that my health is such a trivial matter... but the job must be had at all costs. We're considered desperate anyway just for accepting this bullshit! They've realized that we have no limits and will lick the crack of corporate ass to stay employed.

This is where they are sadly mistaken. I'll see how far I can go.