our 'unclear' roles...

First, you have to read the article at this link to see what prompted this blog.

http://www.suntimes.com/news/mitchell/124063,CST-NWS-mitch05.article%3Chttp://www.suntimes.com/news/mitchell/124063,CST-NWS-mitch05.article

Here's what I think about it.... These two should face some realities in their situation, and then decide whether they can accept each other 'where they're at'. I believe the problem is societal, and that's where we need to direct our attention when trying to figure out the evolution of relationships within our current landscape. The day of the man who feels he should be in total control just because he has a penis is gone. That's not coming back. Many black women have stepped up to the plate through the need to survive and have outpaced black men in education and earning power.

So back when it was the societal tradition that the man brings home the bread and the woman fries the bacon, has changed because now in many relationships, the woman is bringing home the bread AND frying the bacon. Yet, many men in these relationships are struggling with their ego and feel that they must exhibit that 'they are in control'. Meanwhile, many women just can't sit by and suppress their opinions when they have sacrificed and worked to bring home that bacon. So... where's the happy medium?

I've been told that people should go into relationships today as partners, and maybe the suggestion should emphasize that they go into relationships as 'business partners' . Maybe more business sense needs to be applied right up front, so that agreements are made and all this finance stuff is put out the way of the relationship (as long as the agreement is adhered to).

Here's one suggestion...

Couples can establish accounts where they contribute their earnings based on percentage. Both can contribute an equal percentage of their earnings to the accounts and it doesn't matter who makes more. Obviously, the person making more will end up contributing more in dollars based on the percentage. However, the percentage should be equal... say... 40% for mortgage/rent, utilities, etc.

Then, an account can be established for emergencies/household maintenance/car repairs, etc... 30%, vacations... 10%.

The rest is each person's personal funds to do with whatever they want.

This is just one suggestion. I'm sure there are probably more models that might work in various situations.

So we have to find a point where we arrive at the same page, or at least near it... like an evolution so that children being born today, may be guided in a direction that brings relationships together instead of continuing the wedge apart.

In regard to the article, it appears that the man in the relationship feels emasculated and insecure because his woman makes more money than him. Meanwhile, this is not an issue for her....

(from the article)

>SHE SAID: I tell him all the time, I'm not with him from a financial standpoint. The things I >want to do for myself, I can do them. That's not what I'm looking for him to bring to the >relationship. I'm looking for the other piece: companionship, happiness, someone to talk to, >to grow with and to build a family. Things we really need to do, we can make happen if we >really want them to.

I can imagine that the woman in the relationship has accepted the reality of a diminished prospect of meeting men on her level and on top of that, she accepts this man as he is and loves him. And she isn't concerned that she makes more money than him. She sees potential in their relationship and I'm thinking that it is based on her earnings along with his, but he's not seeing that. He sees her having some control in decisions and her ability to challenge him 'because' she earns more than he does.

> HE SAID: She has a better job and is always reminding me that she makes more money. I >struggle with this. I want to feel like a man, not that I think I am superior.

He failed to mention that he makes those frequent trips to the ATM, which she has to constantly remind him about. And it could be that those frequent trips to the ATM may be his way of 'acting out' in regard to making him feel 'in control'.

> SHE SAID: Obviously, in a relationship one person is stronger in something than the other >person. From the financial standpoint, I am the strong person. He'll have the debit card and >spend, spend, spend. And I have to tell him that you are spending this money and you don't> >have any idea where the money is coming from. You can't do x-y-z [if] you are only bringing >home a certain amount of money.

His frivolous spending, leading to her complaints is a huge issue for them. And, in the end, she probably needs to face the fact that he is too insecure (or immature) to handle her ability to have some control in their relationship.

Its hard for me to imagine that his issues lead him to say this...

> HE SAID: I struggle with LaTonya's attitude, and attitude is everything. It makes you say, >"OK -- do I want to marry this highly squared-away Condoleezza Rice or should I just go and >get a hoodrat who worships my dirty underwear and doesn't challenge my authority?"

Hmmm. I thought he said that he wasn't trying to feel 'superior'...

So he has a real dilemma going on where he is probably enjoying the lifestyle in regard to the combined earnings he and his girlfriend make, but realizes that if he dumps the girlfriend, he might have to support that hoodrat on his earnings which is half of what his girlfriend makes.

Decisions... Decisions....

Her decision can either be to hang in there with him, knowing that he'll probably never marry her but at least she is used to him and they know they can live together. But if marriage is strong on her agenda, she will have to find a way to ease him out of her life and deal with the scarce prospect of finding a man anywhere near her level that would even want to be bothered with her (for similar reasons as the man she's already with).

And yet, it is not impossible for her to happen upon a man who is on her level and accepts and appreciates her as she is. How refreshing it is when a woman doesn't have to dumb down to attract a man. How refreshing it is when a man can recognize his woman's strengths as well as his own, and she do the same.

I'm sure there are many, many opinions on this... Now you know mine.