This explains everything...

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God agreed......


On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."


The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God agreed......



On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed again......


On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Spread the Stupidity

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

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Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

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Only in America .......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

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Only in America ......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

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Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

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Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

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Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

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Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

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Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

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Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

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Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

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Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

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Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

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Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

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You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

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Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

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Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

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I like this one!!!
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

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If flying is so safe,why do they call the airport the terminal?

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(I've seen this before.... chuckled again :)

Workforce change...

Has anyone noticed that commercials show adults and seniors as grocery store clerks, walmart employees, fast food employees, etc? Wow!

It used to be a teenagers after school or summer job mostly...

This is really a sad trend in our society because no one can own a home on that kind of salary.

Signs

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

**************************

At a Proctologist's door:

"To expedite your visit, please back in."

**************************

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

**************************

On a Church's Billboard:

"7 days without God makes one weak."

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

At a Towing company:

"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

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On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:

"We really know our stuff."

**************************

On a Fence:

"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet -
miss a car payment."

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."

**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you send in your payment

However, if you don't, you will be."

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry;
come on in and get fed up."

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

**************************

Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Why do the Tea Party folks believe the private sector...

I'm listening to Wolf Blitzer interview a tea party spokesperson and he said that their platform is to allow the private sector to grow to create jobs.

Please help me understand why they still beat this drum after they had an 8 year field day with Dubya, proving that those policies do not work.

Truly, I do not get it.

Excellent quote from a friend on FB: Don't like Government? Try living without one....

"I like my food not tainted, I like my airplanes to be safe, I like my air to be clean. I think seniors and disadvantaged citizens should be aided. I love my national parks. I like an eye being kept on shady banks and corporations. Health Care for all is a good thing, not bad. Equal rights for all Americans is a must. Civil liberties and consumer protections are good. Don't like Government? Try living without one." Peggy Reilly

The Test of Three

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat, a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell
me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a
moment to test what you're going to say. The first
test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know
if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test,
the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me
something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell
me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher
and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that
Plato was banging his wife.

What a beautiful day!

Walk, Meditate, Pray... Lifts my spirit!
For many years now, going back to around 1998, I have grown very fond of taking a morning or afternoon 'prayer walk'. I used to call it that and it was the quietness and solitude I needed, to refresh myself and set my mood for the challenges of the day.
Sometimes it was necessary at lunch time during the working day so that I could 'regain' my serenity....! Need that 'pause' sometimes... Need to take a deep breath... Allow options and brighter outlook... change perspective... Regain peace and calm with thoughts of how truly blessed I am... remind myself to 'choose happiness'!
Where I live now, I love to take a walk over a wooden bridge, over a stream because it's beautiful. It's even beautiful in the winter time. I feel so blessed and fortunate that I have been able to find the time to take this walk sometimes.

Over the river and through the woods.... :)


Lately, I go to the gym every other day, do the ellipical and some toning and weight lifting, and then alternate days, I take a walk. I always feel good after working out! Always!.... spiritually and mentally that is.... physically... well that's another story! LOL! I feel better once I recover :)

Here's my prayer for today...

Father, God in Heaven,
Thank you for yet another beautiful day!
Thank you for allowing me the strength, motivation, inspiration to accomplish many things each and every day, no matter how small.
Thank you for giving me the capacity to not 'sweat the small stuff'.
Please continue to shower me, my family, my friends and associates with your favor.
Please bless us with the ability to recognize priorities, set vision and goals.
Please dear Lord, supply us with wisdom, patience and tolerance.
Bless us with good health and fulfill our needs, along with the understanding of how blessed we are.
In Jesus' name, Amen!

Have a great day, everyone!!!

1+2 = 3

1+2 = 3

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.....

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner. To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math.

She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

Ignorance on TV

This dude on Judge Piro has 9 children by numerous women and he's 22 years old. When Piro asked him who he thought was going to take care of all those children he can't afford, his dumb ass said no one. She had to tell this imbecile that the state, taxpayers had to.

UGH! That's why I wrote the blog about court ordered sterilization. Someone has to step up and be responsible when a jackass full of sperm is loose around brain-dead women.

Your Duck is Dead--

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything.

He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"

She cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Can we get married in Heaven?

On their way to getting married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that. Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sit and wait, and wait. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'

'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.

'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.

'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'

C-Nile Virus

Virus Warning

Even the most advanced ant-virus programs from McAfee cannot take care of this bug. Norton is no help either.

Virus Symptoms:

1. Tricks you into sending blank emails.
2. Results in you sending an email to the wrong person.
3. Causes you to send the email back to the person who sent it to you.
4. Makes you forget to affix the attachment.
5. Triggers your pressing 'SEND' before you've finished.
6. Forces you to hit 'DELETE' instead of 'SEND.'
7. Pressurizes you into clicking 'SEND' when you should click 'DELETE.'
8. Causes you to send the same email twice.
9. Causes you to send the same email twice.
10. This virus only affects those who were born before 1958.

Oh, I nearly forgot, this virus is called the: 'C-NILE VIRUS.'

Why do they come?

I understand the illegal aliens who come here for opportunities. But I don't understand people who despise our culture that come here to the US. I don't get that. For example, I don't like how women are regarded in Saudi Arabia so... I have NO motive, or reason or desire to go there.

Sestina

I was reading through Writer's Digest and came across a snippet about the poetic Sestina.

It's a seven stanza poem that rotates the same six words at the end of each line, except for the final tercet, which fits two end words into each line.

Here's how Writer's Digest suggested to do it..

1. A, B, C, D, E, F
2. F, A, E, B, D, C
3. C, F, D, A, B, E
4. E, C, B, F, A, D
5. D, E, A, C, F, B
6. B, D, F, E, C, A
7. AB, CD, EF

They suggested that you "don't think before you write this one. Instead of getting intimidated by the structure, just pick your six words and have fun seeing what develops."

Here's mine...

Love, Life, Blessed, Happy, Smile, Eyes
Eyes, Love, Smile, Life, Happy, Blessed
Blessed, Eyes, Happy, Love, Life, Smile
Smile, Blessed, Life, Eyes, Love, Happy
Happy, Smile, Love, Blessed, Eyes, Life
Life, Happy, Eyes, Smile, Blessed, Love
Love Life, Blessed Happy, Smile Eyes

How does this work?

This will drive you up a wall!!
CLICK ON HOUSE
and please don't ask me how this works.

I will not tell you 'cause I don't have a clue!

men....

(Just jokes y'all... LOL. Someone sent this to me today, and y'all know that 'instruction manual one is real... LOL.)

One day my
housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt.Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?

''It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'

He yelled back, 'ALABAMA ! '

And they say blondes are dumb...

-----------------------------------------------------------

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,'I am going

to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies,
'I'll miss you...'

-------------------------------------------------------

'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,'
Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the
neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'

'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.

-------------------------------------------

Q: What do you
call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor

-------------------------------------------

A man and his wife,
now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.

Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...

Whoosh...immediately he turned
90!!!

Gotta love that
fairy!

-----------------------------------------------------------

Dear Lord,

I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-

Q: Why do little
boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be
men.

--------------------------------------------------

Q: What do you
call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.

---------------------------------------------

------------------------------------------

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end to wipe.

-------------------------------------------

Q: How do you
keep your husband from reading your e-mail?

A: Rename the
email folder 'Instruction Manuals'

-------------------------------------------------

Your Social Security

What do you think about this stuff below? P.S. these are not my comments.

"A friend forwarded this - it is appropriate:

Social Security

Your Social Security

Just in case some of you young whippersnappers (& some older ones) didn't know this. It's easy to check out, if you don't believe it.
Be sure and show it to your kids. They need a little history lesson on what's what and it doesn't matter whether you are Democrat or Republican. Facts are Facts!!!


Our Social Security

Franklin Roosevelt, a Democrat, introduced the Social Security (FICA) Program. He promised:

1.) That participation in the Program would be
Completely voluntary,

No longer Voluntary


2.) That the participants would only have to pay
1% of the first $1,400 of their annual
Incomes into the Program,

Now 7.65%


3.) That the money the participants elected to put into the Program would be deductible from their income for tax purposes each year,

No longer tax deductible


4.) That the money the participants put into the independent 'Trust Fund' rather than into the general operating fund, and therefore, would only be used to fund the Social Security
Retirement Program, and no other Government program, and, Under Johnson the money was moved to

The General Fund and Spent


5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed as income.

Under Clinton & Gore

Up to 85% of your Social Security can be Taxed


Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the Federal government to 'put away' -- you may be interested in the following:

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ----

Q: Which Political Party took Social Security from the independent 'Trust Fund' and put it into the general fund so that Congress could spend it?

A: It was Lyndon Johnson and the democratically controlled House and Senate.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --

Q: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?

A: The Democratic Party.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----

Q: Which Political Party started taxing Social Security annuities?

A: The Democratic Party, with Al Gore casting the 'tie-breaking' deciding vote as President of the Senate, while he was Vice President of the US

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -

Q: Which Political Party decided to start giving annuity payments to immigrants?

AND MY FAVORITE:

A: That's right!

Jimmy Carter and the Democratic Party. Immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65, began to receive Social Security payments! The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even though they never paid a dime into it!

------------ -- ------------ --------- ----- ------------ --------- ---------

Then, after violating the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social Security away!

And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!


If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of awareness will be planted and maybe changes will evolve. Maybe not, some Democrats are awfully sure of what isn't so.

But it's worth a try. How many people can YOU send this to?

Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.

AND CONGRESS GIVES THEMSELVES 100% RETIREMENT FOR ONLY SERVING ONE TERM!!!


A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
-Thomas Jefferson"

What Health Care Reform Means For You

Ever wanted a quick explanation of how health reform will benefit your area to share with friends and family?

We made this one-of-a-kind customized video to do just that. Watch now.

Opponents of reform are already calling for its repeal -- and spreading outrageous lies about what it means for America.

We can't let them tear down public support for reform.

Share this link with everyone you know so they can get the truth about how many people in their state will benefit from reform:

http://my.barackobama.com/WhatItMeans

Thanks,

Natalie

Natalie Foster
New Media Director